Yes that's right y'all....I'm back! Recently I decided to take a break from tilting at windmills and try my hand at snack machines. You see, the one we have at work sucks. (By day I am a mild mannered Tire Pricing Coordinator at the Corporate office of an uber tire company, by night...*cue dramatic music here* The Webmaster!!) It sucks the chrome off a trailer hitch. In fact, it sucks so bad, light cannot escape and simply walking into the breakroom is to walk upon an event horizon. Steven Hawkings can't explain our snack machine.

   Clearly, something had to be done. I spend a good portion of my time fighting with it for either my snacks, or for those without superhero strength. So, I decide to try diplomacy with the people in charge of the snack machine in hopes for a replacement. Reprinted here, is that attempt. (This note was also photocopied and made its way around the entire building....including all the executive offices)

To: Snack Machine Person
From: Your customers
RE: Snack Machine

   Dear Sir, or Madame:

   We post this letter as a cry for mercy, a plea of help for an embattled group of customers. The machine you have provided for us has truly proven to be the product of the antichrist, a conduit to the very blackest of hells not even imagined by Dante.

   Purchasing snacks from this machine often times requires the athleticism of Rugby (complete with scrum and gang tackling) and the purest blind luck rarely found outside of PowerBall lottery.

   When depositing the required money for snacks (a process similar to tossing coins into the abyss in an attempt to gauge its depth) the machine may or may not (depending apparently on its mood) dispense the desired snack. Far more often then not, the snack either does not completely eject from the rack, or it gets wedged on the way down. This requires physical violence to complete the transaction of money for snack. Clearly, this does not make for a pleasant snacking experience.

   Receiving change from the machine should also get mention here, as this is where the blind luck comes into play. As to the question of whether or not the machine will dispense change, that could be best summed up as a similar probability to that of flipping a coin and having it come up heads five times in a row. However, this is nearly impossible in practice as that coin is held in the bowels of this demon, never to be heard from again. (Or until the next brave and perhaps foolhardy soul comes along to attempt to purchase a snack.)

   In conclusion, this machine has a soul blacker than the paint on its cold, ruthless shell. For the love of humanity and all that is good in the world….please replace it with something that works. In return for stopping the cruelty and easing the anguish of our poor, tortured souls, paperwork will be filed with the appropriate agencies to ensure the awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to you. A bronze statue will also be erected in the parking lot.

   Thank you.

   Unfortunately, the snack machine guy wasn't impressed, and we haven't seen him since. The machine is getting empty (though we haven't had many problems with it either). Perhaps another note will be in order, but that will be for another time....

   And now, your Moment of Zen...